Grebelspeaks February 2010

[Note: If you would like a prettier and much easier-to-read pdf copy of this issue of Grebelspeaks, please send your friendly Grebelspeaks editors an email and we would be happy to oblige. - Ed.]

From the Editors

So despite all our frustrated fiddling with layout, here you have it– Hot off the metaphorical presses is your first batch of Grebelspeaks of the 2010 year. (Yeah, we went there, and made another cookie joke. You guys just gobble them up so quickly that they just don’t get old. [Insert your chuckle here.] See? Brilliant!)

Seriously though, we’re pretty excited to share this with you. Partially because now that we’re done with this Steph can go start doing her work, and Tannis can finish hers. Mostly though, we’re excited because this issue holds some pretty special content. Isn’t that right, Caleb Jackett and Chris Brnjas? You should feel special for being singled out in our editorial. (Check out their totally angsty questions to Conrad Grebel...)

Well, any promised seriousness has flown out the window, but that’s not surprising... Editing is frustrating work, and tends to drive anyone into fits of silliness and randomosity. That’s totally a word. (Please don’t look it up.)

In this paragraph we ought to inform you loftily that this issue is jam-packed with important, relevant, world-changing articles and masterpieces. Maybe, you’ll harbour a new-found love for math, or maybe you’ll find new direction for your life. We were inspired to travel space and do our laundry. For real.

We’ve had fun working together now that Josh is out of the picture, and the country too. We’ve even started our own cookie blacklist. Don’t get on it. See you next month with more cookies and delicious puns!

- Steph and Tannis

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Some Dry Humour

For years Grebel has been able to provide us with a supportive and friendly community, amazing food, and entertaining events. So why is it that Grebel can’t seem to get something as simple as laundry right? Yeah. I’m talking about the dryers.

I, for one, very much dislike hanging out in a room which has wet underwear ostentatiously draped over every surface. This phenomenon, however, becomes unavoidable as one must try to air the last bit of damp out of their clothes before their next class. Taking dictation can be difficult even when you’re not sitting in a puddle of underwear juice. What’s more, there are precious few places in a Grebel room upon which to ostentatiously drape one’s underwear.

So why does Grebel need to fix this laundry deficiency? First of all, hygiene (and consequently, clean clothes) is a necessity. A necessity, I might add, which must be taken very seriously. Want to know what happens to people who have bad hygiene? They get the plague. As a residence, Grebel is required to provide us with such necessities, especially when we pay good money for a dry cycle. Imagine if we paid Grebel to be allowed to stay in residence, but they made us sleep outside. Imagine if we paid for our education, but the profs didn’t come to class. We wouldn’t stand for it. Nor, I say, should we stand for wet clothes, bad hygiene, and the plague.

Have any actions been taken thus far to remedy the situation? To my knowledge: no. Except for one good-hearted resident, who wrote a pretty sign for one of the dryers telling people it doesn’t work. Bless you for your efforts, your deeds shall be remembered. But the problem is nowhere near fixed.

Now, there are several solutions to this problem that are well within the realm of possibility. Perhaps it is time to invest in new dryers. Perhaps Grebel could supply us with drying racks. A nice fold-away rack could easily be stored in each closet, and added to that orange sheet thing they make us fill out every year. Why not just buy my own drying rack you ask? Because. If they intend to make me pay for a wash cycle to get my clothes wet, they’d better be prepared to make them dry again. Not to mention all the free money I’ve given them to have my clothes NOT be dried by their dryers already more than covers the cost of a drying rack, I’m inclined to believe. Perhaps dry cycles should be free, so that we do not have to pay for another round if our clothes don’t come out quite dry after the first.

Or, you know, they could just fix them.

-Anthony Balzer

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Four Ways to a Healthier You

1. Eat Well. You are what you eat and how you eat can have a huge impact on your mind, body, and spirit. Three ways to keep a healthy diet are;

• starting every day with a breakfast that contains one serving of whole grains, fruit, and a high protein food, like eggs

• getting your daily intake of fruits and veggies (about nine servings a day). Aim for colour and variety while choosing these vegetables and fruits. These foods are an essential part of a healthy diet but are also good for you in the long run – decreasing risk of cardiovascular disease and cancer, among others.

• remembering it’s all about balance. Sometimes the best thing for you is eating that piece of pie. The smile is totally worth it. But balance it out. Like most things in life, don’t deprive yourself but don’t overindulge.

2. Sleep. As tempting as it may be to stay up those few extra hours every night, research has shown that sleep deprivation increases the levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, in your bloodstream. Other negative affects caused by lack of sleep include increased vulnerability to illness, decreased attention span and it can adversely impact your cognitive functioning. Lack of sleep has been connected to difficulties in coping with normal life stresses. The best way to avoid these effects is going to bed and waking up at a similar hour every day.

3. Move Your Body. Our bodies are designed to be moved. In the short-term, exercise is shown to enhance feelings of motivation, exhilaration, and reduces feelings of anxiety on top of general well-being. Even in the midst of exams/lab reports/papers and all that school has to offer, exercising even a little each day can put your mind at ease. It has been called the most effective instant happiness booster of all activities.

4. Create a Healthier Inner Self. Take quiet time. Even in rez, where it feels like these moments are few and far between, it is important to take time to reflect and “center yourself”. It can sounds crazy but this activity is tremendously beneficial. It has been shown that students who’ve practiced “mindfulness” have lower anxiety and improvements on intelligence tests and increased course grades.

- Kim Bowman and Sarah Pries

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To those who claim that Math is not an art:

Oh how misguided you have been! Perhaps you are thinking of when you memorized your times tables, or when you learned long division. Well let me assure you, that is not Math! Multiplication and division are to math what speaking is to singing. Indeed, one must have the ability to speak in order to sing, but just because you can speak, it does not mean that you can sing beautifully!

The beauty and the art of math lies at a deeper level that is attained when you delve beyond the superficial layers of numbers and calculations. In the words of Andrea Blezy, “You get to the point where it [math] is no longer useful, and then it’s beautiful.” Indeed, according to Rebekah Hudson, “Art is based in math…sometimes.” I can personally testify to the fact when posed with a problem that seems unsolvable, the first thing you have to do is draw a pretty picture. Seriously.

So to all of you who live under the misconception that Math is purely analytical and scientific and leaves no room for creative thought, I invite you now to embrace the beauty and the art of Mathematics. Instead of thinking of it as some scary thing that only extreme right-brained people could even begin to understand, realize that it’s a world of beauty and natural perfection.

-Sarah Morden

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Columbus and the New World

For some reason or another most people find that history is ‘boring’. In my quest to prove that it is indeed interesting, I’m going to try and relate historical events to all you plebeians. So it’s like the late 1400’s, and there’s this bro named Christopher Columbus. He’s all bored in Genoa, which is totally legit, because it’s all just merchant dudes and crap. So he’s all like “I’m going to go to Portugal and see what’s up,” so he did. He ended up sailing all around the Mediterranean, to Africa and all those sweet places. He was pretty cocky about his boatin’ skills, maps and that business, so he was like “I’m going to recalculate how far it is around the world”. [Side note – everyone in 15th century Europe knew the world was round, people had known that since the Greeks. No one thought you were going to sail off the Earth.] So he did his math business, and calculated that the world was pretty small, but he was dead wrong. Using this knowledge, he thought, “I can totally sail west from Spain, and make it to China”. You see, the only thing holding people back from sailing west was the fact that they knew it was way too far to sail to China (they did not know of the Americas). At first everyone thought, “Dude, you’re just gonna starve, you twit,” but he kept pressing. Eventually King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain were like, “Ok man, we’ll give you three ships and some stuff, now go.” Now, each party here had some different motivations. Columbus wanted to be the man around Spain, get some gold and make sure his kids and stuff would be rich too. Spain on the other hand wanted to whoop Portugal’s ass at trading with those foreign folks, so if Columbus somehow made it to China, they’d be rollin’ in dough. Please join me next time as we follow Columbus in his shocking and unexpected discovery!

-Andrew Alkema

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Non-Violence Workshop Memorable

The Soul and Skill of Non-Violence workshop, though it required rising early on a Saturday morning, provided all those in attendance, both from Grebel and the wider community, with practical skills as well as a deeper understanding of the use of non-violence. Matthew Bailey-Dick from Mennonite Central Committee came to share his experience and knowledge with us.

I’m writing this in part from my experience as ‘Bully Bear,’ who represented a ruthless dictator with genocidal tendencies. For those of you who know me that might be hard to picture, so let me explain: I was placed on a bright orange plywood hexagon and lifted into the air. My ‘throne’ was being supported by eight ropes each being held by three individuals. Each of these ropes represented a sector of society, such as the universities, financial institutions, and media. From the outside of the circle there were two dissenters, trying to find ways to dethrone me. Slowly, as a few people let down their ropes I began to fall from my position of power. This activity stuck out for me, particularly, from the rest of the seminar that was full of interesting and useful information and particle exercises. This is because it gave a clear, though admittedly simplistic, demonstration of the reliance of those in power on those in society who support them, and that if they withdraw that support the leader is no longer in a position of power. It only took a few to exert their influence on those around them to bring about change. This is very encouraging and motivational; to know that an individual really can affect change, and that this can be done non-violently.

Non-violence is not passive nor does it mean relinquishing power. In reality it is the opposite, it is a tool, with love and power at the core, to bring about change; change that is sustainable and holistic.

-Catherine Duncan

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Thoughts on the Future

O the mind, mind has mountains. - Gerard Manley Hopkins

I don’t know what I am going to do with my life, and it is exceedingly frightening. I feel as if I’m wandering aimlessly through life, with minimal sense of direction. I’m sure some of you have a pretty good idea of what you’re going to do with your lives. You’ll finish your degree(s) and get a job as a teacher, an engineer, or a llama farmer. You will have spouses and children, houses with mailboxes, and a really nice electric kettle with which to boil water for your tea/coffee/hot chocolate. This is wonderful! I’m happy for you! I’m also jealous.

I, and, I would assume, some of you, find the time after university to be filled with diverging, twisted paths. I don’t know what I want to do with my life and I need to start specialising in order to be able to do whatever it is I’m going to do. But this begs the question, what do I want to do? Should I be a librarian? A professor? A journalist? A policy wonk? How does one become a wonk (policy or otherwise) for that matter?

My interests are changing, I’m realising how little I know about most “stuff”, on top of which I’m starting of feel old! (Now you may be saying “But Tannis, you’re not that old. You’re younger than me. How dare you imply that I’m old! Shame on you!” Nevertheless, I maintain that, regardless of chronological advancement, I still feel old. ) I feel like I should be turning into a grown-up sometime soon and I’m not sure I know what that entails. I suspect that in it involves some certainty about what one wants to do with ones life, and that’s a bit problematic at the moment. I know I want a nice electric kettle with which to boil water for tea, but that’s about all of the certainty I have right know. A kettle.

A kettle of certainty! It would make for a great epic, (Just imagine, “Tannis and the Kettle of Certainty - Now a major motion picture!” emblazoned on the cover of a trade paperback) but that doesn’t make the horrible aimless unknowing any better. This article is starting to seem silly and you probably think I’m a little mad by now, but I can assure you that I’m (mostly) serious. Blundering steadily forward with neither a decent map nor an end goal, in search of a direction in life, is terrifying!

I know that the world will not come to an end and life will continue, despite my literary howling. I’m scared but there’s nothing for it. I can’t stop time, so I have to keep moving inexorably forward. But perhaps, in that momentum, there is some comfort. There is nothing to be done and yet there is everything to be done. There is no choice but to search for a way forward, and, as the Quakers say, to proceed as that way opens. Perhaps I, and/or you, will find a nice, seemingly clearly defined path, that is one’s purpose in life. Perhaps we won’t, and shall have to continue to contend with paths that wind in such a way that one can never see around the next corner. Regardless, I believe that it is important to persevere on one’s journey, to explore, to learn and to grow on the way, and to take comfort in the knowledge that one is not alone as one forges ahead.

-Tannis Schilk

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The Politics of Outer Space

In case it has been lost on some people I should reiterate some very shocking and recent news. Barack Obama and the White House administration have cut the budget for the development of a base on the moon (just check the back pages of a recent newspaper). This may seem to be a far cry from the very immediate problems we are facing here on earth, but please hear me out. Going to the moon was ‘one giant leap for mankind’ and if we accept this we must accept our present state. We have regressed. As a race of humans we have gone backward. We are no longer able to explore the very frontier of our existence. Physically there is nowhere else to go. The depths of the ocean and the cold of the Arctic are the two closest places we have to the mysterious wonder of space. And we have resigned ourselves to stay put on Earth.

I am disappointed in the White House administration for not returning to the moon, and for spending money that could have been used for the evolution of mankind on something as petty as a war for oil. I am equally disappointed in the Canadian government for standing idly by as our big brother trashed the Middle East; but that is another matter. In this day we seem to have no common goal outside of ourselves. This is anthropocentrism at its highest and most vulgar point, and I abhor it.

With NASA’s budget scaled back, and my faith in humankind dwindling, there is not much left to do but to contemplate the vast nature of the cosmos, and the vast nature of my disappointment in not having the opportunity to go there. If there was one thing I would wish to say to the leaders of the nations of the Earth it would be that the best antidote to destruction and war is a common purpose and goal present outside of ourselves. The west has given into the false gods of materialism, individualism and the wealth of the bourgeois. However, I refuse to stay here, and the leaders of the world should refuse this as well. If Obama hopes to earn his Nobel Prize, and if the countries of the world hope to stop killing each other, we must strive for this goal outside of ourselves and enter the only frontier we have left: space. The frightening and mysterious void beyond our finite existence is truly the very edge of our understanding and our being. And if for no other reason than pure wonder. I want to go there.

-Max Kennel

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Your Guide to Dealing with a Bad Class

Have you ever found yourself sitting in a crammed room for hours listening to your professor ramble on about nothing? Does it take your professor an hour and a half to explain an assignment? Do you have classmates who like the sound of their own voice and will raise points that are blatantly obvious or nothing to do with the class? Does your teacher turn your class into a venting therapy session?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, this article is for you!

I have recently found myself in such a class. So I, along with Steph Chandler, Julie Wilson and Mel Goodfellow, have found a simple alternative to our classroom blues. We have created another course to run simultaneously with the current class we are in. It is called WED 201. Throughout this course we will plan our weddings! Do not under estimate the seriousness of this course. There is a syllabus complete with description, objectives, readings and a schedule for the term. This course includes everything from designing dresses to picking out the menu. At the end of the term each of is are required to give a presentation of the wedding we have planned throughout the term.

This is a growing trend. Katie and Ellery Penner have used class time to draw out what they want their future houses to look like.

They say University will prepare us for life. Well I couldn’t agree more.

Happy Planning Grebel,

- Dani Hoover

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Uncomfortable with Comfortable

Rachel Ray narrates an episode of Wife-Swap. Ellen Degeneres flaunts her wealth by giving free Wiis to everyone in her audience. E-Talk Canada follows the "adventures of Brangelina & kids". I shut off the TV. I'm not quite sure of a lot of things. Is it healthy to watch this stuff? I'm starting to get uncomfortable with comfortable living. I just - don't feel right about this state of lazy comfortability. And I really don't think celebrities make a big difference (in general), but especially when they focus on themselves.

Is it wrong to want more than just to watch the dry lives of celebrities "unfold", to be told the latest fashions, or to watch the latest sports game? I'm sure there are places for them, and I can kind of grasp why people watch soap operas and talk shows day-in and day-out, but isn't it kind of shallow? Humans, the most independent, free-thinking creatures in the world, have been reduced to mounds of skin & bones, using 5% of their brains to listen and to be controlled by what they are seeing. I just can't stand that people accept all of the crap that's getting thrown at them. Look at "National Enquirer". Look at "People" magazine. Look at "17" magazine. A lot of it is garbage that people eat up because they're told to.

Some people live this way They enjoy it, and they live and breath by it. I don't agree with it, but I accept it because everyone should live their own lives and learn from their experiences. A lot of people my age are content with partying, having sex, and idolizing celebrities...but I'm not, for my reasons. Maybe that's strange. It probably is. I care about substance. Are people spreading love around? What's being done to make a difference? Seeing the latest episode of The Office or who won last night's game is becoming more and more irrelevant. (Although it is fun!)

What it boils down to is that someone is in need, or someone is suffering and needs love. What can I do with the things I've been given? Plain and simple.

- Trevor Potts

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How to Tell a Good Story

I have this problem that sometimes just can’t be fixed. Many of my friends and classmates have it too. In fact, I believe that my issue is one that is faced by virtually everyone I have ever met. I speak, of course, about storytelling—specifically the telling of stories with no real ending or point. And while often, these stories can be hilarious, or even endearing, sometimes you just don’t want to find yourself getting to the end of your narrative only to realize that you shouldn’t have started speaking in the first place. Alison Scott and Jenna Moyer have recently taught me how to deal with this. Everyone knows that the best stories ever told often include finding money. Scott and Moyer theorize that by ending a terrible story with the phrase “And then I found five dollars!” you can fix any story you so please. Here is an example for you: “I went to the mall yesterday, and there was a great shoe sale. I tried on every pair in the store, but none of them fit. So I went home.” This story is pretty lame. In fact, it is lamer the time I fell down the stairs on my way to dinner last week. (After which, I found five dollars.) So let’s read the first story over again, now that we have so drastically improved upon it: “I went to the mall yesterday, and there was a great shoe sale. I tried on every pair in the store, but none of them fit. So I went home… And then I found five dollars.” I believe this is much better. I always love to hear about when my friends find money; it makes a story so exciting! With this literary device, every lame story turns into a chance for celebration! Who doesn’t love a good reason to party? (Please note: If you or your friends tell dumber stories than the ones above, do not lose heart. Where five dollars may not be good enough to fix your lame stories, twenty or fifty or a hundred can always be of service! You are never too lame for this device!) Hey guess what guys!? I just found ten bucks…

-Steph Chandler

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Blast from the Past

[This blast from the past was written by Meredith Berg and Alissa Bender in December 2000. We’re sure that there are a few lines that are now a little out of date, but thought it would be neat to include, as a means of showing some love to the Laurier students that we so often tease. Give your local Laurier student a hug today! (Names are listed below.) -Ed.]

I AM LAURIER

Hey!

I am not an engineer or a mathie,

And I don’t line up at Needles Hall or eat at Brubacher’s or own a UW course calendar

And I don’t know Francis in Psychology, Eugene in Kinesiology, or Candace in Women’s Studies although I am certain they’re really, really nice.

I have a Students’ Union, not a Federation of Students.

I speak French, Spanish, and Italian, not Java, C++, or Visual Basic.

I use Foot Patrol, not Walksafe,

I have a mach1 account, not a uwaterloo.ca,

And I have a 20 minute walk or a 9 minute bike-ride to class every day, sometimes twice

(so quit complaining about walking to Engineering).

My ID number has 9 digits, not 8 (don’t forget the zero),

And I pronounce it OneCard, not WatCard (and I don’t need a sticker on the back).

I can proudly sew my school’s crest on my backpack because we won the football game this year,

I believe in making my own timetable well before the semester starts, and not having ten course conflicts,

And that the Golden Hawk is a truly proud and noble animal.

CP is CS, and AC is the PAC,

Wilf’s is the Bomber, the Turret is Fed Hall,

it is pronounced Mofo, not Maureen Forrester Hall,

and Phil’s is not that long a walk!

WLU is the second largest university in Waterloo, (not the high school down the street!!)

The first university in Business and Music,

And we own the football stadium!

My name is Michaela, Sarah, Ben, Sarah- Jane, Jacqui, Hannah, and I AM A LAURIER STUDENT!

Thank you.

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Oatmeal Toffee Chocolate Macadamia Deliciousness!

[This is the recipe we will be trying for our next bribe session, so get your article ideas and your taste buds ready. -Ed.]

1 cup butter, softened

3/4 cup brown sugar, packed

1/2 cup granulated sugar

1 egg

2 tsp vanilla

2 cups all purpose flour or whole-wheat flour

1 cup quick cooking oats

1 tsp baking soda

1/4 tsp salt

1/2 cup Skor Toffee Bits

1 cup Milk Chocolate Chips

1/2 cup chopped roasted macadamia nuts

Preheat oven to 375ºF (190ºC). Line baking sheets with parchment paper. Beat butter, brown sugar, granulated sugar, egg and vanilla together in large bowl until creamy. Combine flour, oats, baking soda and salt in a separate bowl. Add to butter mixture, beating until blended. Stir in toffee bits, chocolate chips and macadamia nuts. Drop by tablespoonfuls onto prepared baking sheet. Bake in centre of 375ºF (190ºC) oven for 8-12 minutes, or until light golden.

Tips: Also tastes good without macadamia nuts!

- Chelsey Tyers

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Dear Conrad Grebel

Dear Conrad Grebel: What is up with the geese that don't migrate? Don't they know its winter? And what do you recommend we do if a goose tries to attack us on our way to class? Bird BrainedDear Bird Brained: The geese know it’s winter, but they also know that they will receive plenty of food here on campus from unsuspecting student victims. If you had a buffet in front of you, would you fly away for the winter? Plus, with all the treats that I’m sure they get, I’m betting many are growing too fat to migrate. As for goose attacks, I suggest taking a trip to the nearest dollar store and arming yourself with all sorts of harmless foam weapons. Make sure you don’t actually harm the geese though—that could get you in quite a pickle, seeing as we are living in a protected area. Dear Conrad Grebel: My friends think I am addicted to coffee but I'm totally not. How do I convince them of this? Tim HortonDear Tim:

I would suggest buying air-freshener for your room, to cover up the smell of the coffee. Enjoy the majority of your coffee at meal times, especially when sitting at tables of people who do not know about your love for coffee quite as much as those who are currently worrying about your addicted state. If that doesn’t work, watch your friends closely; we all have our vices. Maybe you can offer a trade: You’ll give them a break about their insane urge to watch Disney movies at ridiculous hours of the day if they shut up about your coffee drinking.

Dear Conrad Grebel: My girlfriend lives so far away. How can I deal with my crushing loneliness? Caleb Jackett

Dear Chris Brnjas: Rachel lives across the hall. I think you’ll be okay. And I think Caleb may have something to say about submitting articles in his name.

Dear Conrad Grebel: Does asking a stupid question legitimize me getting a cookie?

Chris Brnjas

Dear Caleb Jackett:You got a cookie, didn’t you? Therefore, I guess it does. Though, Tannis and Steph are still waiting for that article you promised. And I think Chris might take issue with you submitting things in his name.

Dear Conrad Grebel: Steph Chandler is a conniving bitch. How do you spell conniving? A “Friend” of Steph Chandler

Dear Friend: You spell conniving, “W-O-N-D-E-R-F-U-L.”

Dear Conrad Grebel: I have this problem with always adding the word skunk into all my sentences even when I shouldn't say skunk. It can prove to be embarrassing... skunk! There are many people that recognize me for this. Conny G skunk, how do I stop saying skunk?! Skunk McGee

Dear McGee:

You should try substituting a less offensive word for the one you are currently using. For example, in this very article, we substituted the word “skunk” for the one you normally use, in order to protect your identity. Why don’t you make this a permanent change? Alternatively, you could imagine that everyone you talk to is Mary B-Z. You wouldn’t use such offensive language in her presence, would you?

Sincerely,

Conrad Grebel

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Soot

My eyes bleed beneath the sheets

Am I awake or is it too hard to sleep?

Do these eyes really focus on the real?

They say that’s it but I don’t know what I feel

The ground lifts to the clouds

Around, around, around.

Do words become real or break

To fall like glittering showers at first rain?

Through my head the question lies

I see it, near almost!

Oh how I see it come so close!

Will the world always be a taint?

Black soot covers my soul

Alas, I faint.

-Trevor Potts

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There’s a place by the sea

Near a fisherman’s cove

Where a tall white spike

Out of rocks grows

At the tip of the hand

Of a desperate grasp

To hold down the sea

And shelter the cove from blasts

But the true purpose

Of the immutable spike

Is only unveiled

By desperate pleas at night

And to the cries of the blind

Smothered by pillows of cloud

A bright eye is given

From the tip, shining down

But memory is fleeting,

Like mist from the dawn

And when danger is vanquished

Life - carries on

For none in the cove

Had ever been down

The path made of dirt

That went round and round

The base of the tower;

But this was because

The bearers of thought

Cared only that it does

The path itself

Seemed made to deflect

The idle cares

Of those who’d inspect

For it traversed

The steepest cliffs

And a careless step

Joins foot and mistGreen waves pound; break

And seek to devour

Those who fail

And fall in to the salty shower

But the strong of heart

Shall soon find

Themselves at the top

And this image in their mind:

There’s a man by the sea

Near a fisherman’s cove

Who watches them come

And is watched, by shadows

To cries of aid,

He does reply

By turning his light

Onto paths that hidden lie

His movement’s unceasing,

And when I asked him why

He smiled at me,

With a distant gleam in his eye,

“The shadows can’t catch you,

If you don’t stop to cry.”

- Daniel Manary

Submitted by Chrissy Brown

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An Attempt to Make Winter Somewhat Pleasurable

For all the seasons of the year when dreaming of summer campfires and folk festivals effectively makes me feel warmer, and even better, when I can actually go to folk festivals and sit around campfires, I immerse myself in the soothing strains of Appalachian fiddling and clawhammer banjo (how I love thee). But there’s that dreaded time of year when the fluids in my brain are too frozen to even go there, and for those months, I am forced to find new music to console myself. I thought I’d share some of my favourite winter bands.

1) Alasdair Fraser & Natalie Haas: He’s a seasoned Scottish fiddler with the cuts to prove it, she’s a young cellist from Julliard who has “released the cello from its orchestral shackles” and turned it into a lower-pitched fiddle. The result: tight harmonies and a driving bass line that make you want to leap out of your desk chair and stepdance to the nearest ceilidh. Scottish folk music like you’ve never heard it before. [Tune into: “Calliope Meets Frank”]

2) Stéphane Grappelli/Quintette du Hot Club de France: Grappelli was a renowned jazz violinist who made his break in the ‘30s with Django Reinhardt and the Quintette du Hot Club de France. Gypsy jazz, Parisian swing, whatever you want to call it, it’s got that je ne sais quoi. No one can improvise like Grappelli, no one. As for Django, well, he has an awesome name. But besides that, he’s known as one of the best guitarists in history, and his 3rd and 4th fingers were paralyzed, which made his style even more unique. You may have even heard this band’s music. Remember the Chocolat soundtrack? It’s good stuff. [Tune into “Minor Swing” at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEzsPGHsi90]

3) Joni Mitchell: Somehow I don’t get sick of her, even though I really only know 3 albums (Clouds, Blue, and Ladies of the Canyon) and listen to them obsessively. But there’s something about the honesty of her voice and lyrics, her incredible range, and her deep creativity that really moves me. As a Canadian and a self-made Californian, she also understands my longing for sunlight in the cold, dark months of winter. [Tune into: “For Free” at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PljZrArrb3k]

4) Elliott Smith: Speaks to me! Okay, to many people. His music has just the right touch of falling down and getting back up to make you listen for hours. And I have listened to certain songs of his on repeat for more hours than is healthy, but I really can’t help it. Unfortunately, he’s no longer here to make music, but his songs were immortalized in the beautiful Good Will Hunting soundtrack. [Tune into: “Angel in the Snow” at http://www.myspace.com/elliottsmithnewmoon]

5) Sometymes Why: The strong female vocalists behind three of my favourite bands, how could I resist? I love the way that their voices weave in and out with each other, and Aoife’s cool, clear notes float above the rest. This song sounds like a whisper in your ear. Luckily everyone else can hear it too [Tune into: “Middle” at http://www.myspace.com/sometymeswhy]

-Laura Dyck

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If You Ask a Grebelite for Poetic Inspiration

If my window weren't a window, what would my window be?

It could be a pirate, upon the Seven Seas;

It could be a butterfly floating on the breeze;

But if it were a tiger, it'd be the death of me.

I ate a deep fried pickle once, cooked by the house of Pent,

And it was quite tasty as it did not cost a cent.

Quite possibly it was to me a moment of reform;

I never have, and never will again taste choloform.

My mother always told me, not to touch a spork;

For she had unpleasant memories of encounters with an orc.

Don't ask me how she ended up down in Middle Earth;

It's a question I have asked myself since long before my birth.

The fire alarm is screaming - "Leave now! Evacuate!"

Except for here at Grebel, where we must sit and wait.

But please escape the archives, though you've likely never been,

Because out comes the Halon, and POOF! No Oxygen!

Upon a mountain in my dreams I see a 'Spider-corn'

Who is this silent creature looking lonely and forlorn?

It's red and blue like Spiderman, but instead of fighting crime

Picking purple daffodils is how it spends its time.

My elephant, he likes to swim - the breaststroke and front-crawl;

But dancing he has four left feet and is no good at all.

He swaggers like a gangster - and has even got the bling;

He sells illicit mercury to his sketchy friend Dan King.

This poem has left us flabbergast and full of needless plot,

Although this leaves us lacking of the Tylenol we'd sought.

The caterpiller on the phone has come to me with love,

Our quest for truth is over; still nothing rhymes with 'orange'.

-Ross Arnold and Andrea Blezy

With credit to: Mike Chong, Braden Kralt, Laura McConachie, Luke Becker, Eric Kennedy, Jenna Moyer, Steph Chandler, Kyle Vandermeer, Dan King, Rob Martens, and Tomas Pollard for topic suggestions.

Grebelspeaks November 2009

[Note: There a few parts of this issue which are not text. Sadly, they have not been included on this blog as this particular editor is not technologically savvy enough to figure out how to post them. If you would like a .pdf of this issue (it's much easier to read) email us and we'll send you one. (Offer expires April 2010.)]

From the Editors

What’s black and white and read all over? The second issue of Grebelspeaks for Fall 2009, filled with an overwhelming amount of content from YOU, the wonderful students of Grebel! We, the editors, are happy to report that our calls to action (and tasty action at that) were answered with boundless enthusiasm and creativity by the contributors to this issue. Did you know that precisely 75 chocolate chip cookies were harmed in the creation of this student newspaper? We hope to double that number next time.

Our contributors embarked on a voyage of taste, and now you have the opportunity to enjoy the fruits of their labour! Sample, savour, and indulge as you dig into this issue. Can you tell that your editors have a one track mind? Editing is a hungry, hungry business.

Now, you might have noticed the page count of this issue. Do not fret, your fearless editors have scaled these heights, and have prepared a plan for you to enjoy Grebelspeaks in bite-size morsels. First, do not attempt to fully experience this issue in one sitting without consulting your physician. Try reading one article at a time, or alternating between sections to keep your mind interested and engaged. Use Grebelspeaks as a five minute studying break - not a procrastination tool! Your dear editors would hate to bring down the academic average of this college due to too much time spent enjoying our work instead of doing your own.

To close, we’re taking cookie recipe suggestions, so the next contracts will be tastier than ever before. Now get reading!

- Josh Matthews & Tannis Schilk

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How joosh maaaatthews and sir caleb the innocent destroyed my university education

Hmm… see it? There! In the headline! I did not type joosh maaaatthews or sir caleb the innocent. I typed their real names, only to be censored by my dear joshs plaything, Oliver. There it goes again. Censoring, or, in this case, making profane, another word for laptop. It is at the point now where I cannot write a paper, cannot chat on msn, cannot even search my itunes library without this change of words taking over. What terribly SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE boys. Poor Oliver is sick, and because I am just a lowly arts student, I do not have the programming skills to heal woah how did this get here what am I doing it. I am at the mercy of others. Thee, dear reader art probably thinking that this is a hilarious happening within the walls of Grebel’s short end, and yes, I will even almost agree with thee. I laughed pretty hard the first time Oliver typed “thee” against my will. But thee see, dear reader, I cannot get rid of this plague. Furthermore, it is updateable from joosh’s website. For all I know, help me I am trapped inside this laptop, joosh and sir caleb could add words to the program six months from now, and I will all of a sudden be saying “pineapple” instead of “the” again. Do thee know how hard this is to deal with when writing an essay? Even if I wanted to stop slacking and start doing some whats that im an artsie, I simply could not. [See what they did there? I tried to type “work.” What a demeaning program.] Now, I guess the origins of this program were deserved. I do bastardise the English language by using bad abbrevs every now and then, but it doesn’t even fix most of those. Instead, it insults things that mean the very most to me. Lets see if thee can guess what the following phrase started as: big dumb brute. I’ll give thee a hint… big dumb brutes lived millions of years ago. They were huge and lizard-like and I love sex magic them a lot. Check that out. If I ever have to write a paper about love sex magic, I’m a little screwed. Thanks, guys. Anyway, I guess I’m writing this as a public service announcement, so let me finish by saying this: If thee have friends in CS, do not start a war that thee cannot win. Give in, and stop using your abbrevs, even if they art awesome. And, never trust joosh maaaatthews. That’s a good moral too.

- sssssteph chandelier

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A brief discussion of the Settlers of Catan board game and personal strategies

The Settlers of Catan is a board game often found being played at Grebel with much enthusiasm. The game is in the genre of trading and strategy. With the board consisting of 19 various hexagon resource land pieces (each being arranged in random order) each time the game is played is a new board setup. The basics involve obtaining one of resources: wood, sheep, ore, wheat and wood in order to purchase new advancements. A player rolls dice each turn and numbers correspond to certain resources, which players obtain if they have a settlement or city on that particular resource. If a 7 is rolled the robber is moved by the player who rolled the 7 and can be placed on a resource which blocks that resource from being collected if it’s number is rolled. Trading of resources is often a power struggle with players demanding outrageous trades in order to exploit another player. Each settlement is worth 1 victory point with cities worth 2. 10 victory points are needed to win the game. Although luck is a significant factor of a player’s advancement and victory, there are some strategies, which we often use:

Toby’s Strategy “Massive Sheep Operation”:

A critical part of how well you will advance in the game is the placement of your first settlement. Red numbers on the board are more likely to occur and so it is a good idea to settle around these resources if possible. A strategy that works well for me is to find a resource that has numbers with high a high probability of being rolled and then concentrate on that resource. Specialized ship ports allow trading of 2 cards for 1 instead of the usual 4 to 1 without a port. I often concentrate on the sheep resource since it is often not in demand as much as the others. This allows for easy trading to acquire other player’s excess sheep, which can then be traded for resources of my choice. Using this strategy I can easily upgrade my settlements on sheep resources to cities, which allows for a greater amount of resources per turn.

Rylan’s Strategy “Long Road to Nowhere”:

An obvious strategy that works well for me is the brick-and-wood strategy. I place both my settlements on high-value wood and brick hexes, with wheat and sheep in second and third priority, respectively. The strategy is then to expand towards a few good spots, ideally cutting off a nice section of the play area as your own. This strategy almost guarantees me the “Longest Road” card, which gives me 2 victory points towards winning. Hopefully I have been able to build my roads without too much excitement, though I may have been forced by other players game styles to change my tack, and built some settlements along the way. With my section carved out, I can now concentrate on building and upgrading settlements along and within my road, forging the arduous path to winning the game.

-Rylan Halteman and Toby Woerthle

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The Art of Procrastination

Procrastination; a student’s worst enemy you say? Well I suggest that you can turn that around and make procrastination very helpful. I have found myself in the last few weeks drifting towards various silly flash games on the internet. Now, interestingly I found some that may even relate to my area of study. So off I went on a search for games for YOU! I have compiled a list of random flash games that I feel with help not only distract you from your work, but also make you believe that you are studying at the same time (warm fuzzy thoughts eh?). So here it goes, beside each on there is also a label of which program it best relates to.

Auditorium – Music – This game combines wonderful classical soundtrack with a randomly fun game.

(http://www.playauditorium.com/)

Cargo Bridge – Civil Engineering – A personal favourite in which you build a bridge (who could have guessed?) and push elephants across it (ok didn't guess that one) making sure it supports the load.

(http://www.limexgames.com/games/cargo_bridge/)

Oiligarchy – Enviro – A crazy view of what the oil companies are doing and what may be the consequence of their actions (have to play the whole game to find out).

(http://addictinggames.com/oiligarchy.html)

Pandemic 2 – Biology – What better way to figure out how to defeat diseases than to put yourself in the other's shoes? Yes I mean become the disease!

(http://www.crazymonkeygames.com/Pandemic-2.html)

Fantastic Contraption – Mechanical Engineering – Again a pretty self explanatory game, you build a contraption. Yup, it’s just like technical drawings.... and stuff.

(http://fantasticcontraption.com/)

Windfall – Enviro Business – A tycoon-based game where your goal is to power a city with wind, and it's a windy world.

(http://www.persuasivegames.com/games/files/windfall/play.html)

Lemonade World – Business – Come on, you know this is the first time you knew what you wanted to do. Supply and demand that's all it is from the lemonade right up to CEO of Walmart.

(http://www.addictinggames.com/lemonadeworld.html)

Hedgehog Launch – Phys – Hedgehogs are kinda like rockets. Yeah it's an awesome game for aspiring rocket scientists.

(http://armorgames.com/play/1760/hedgehog-launch)

Bot Arena 3 – Softies and Trons – Yeah I know you guys get to play with robots, keep rubbing it in that you get to do SUCH COOL STUFF. Well here's a game that you can make destructive robots, yup just like BATTLE BOTS, now don't go getting any ideas.

(http://www.gamesvine.com/strategy/BotArena3/)

Railway Valley – Urban Planning – Designing railroads and where they go, plan ahead! One rule... don't let trains crash!

(http://www.railwayvalley.com/play)

My apologies to:

Mathies: You get no games, for you always have a calculator which you can spell funny things on. Try 'Good Night'(6000 171647) and 'Bible'(37818).

Art Students: You don't need flash games to waste your time...

CS Students: You can just make your own!

So now you are set to be distracted and learn at the same time. Remember always use your procrastination time efficiently.

-Greg Burns

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GREBEL PENNIES GET SPENT

October 15, 2009

WATERLOO, On.--Coming off a tough loss against the Jive Turkeys (42-24), A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned, the CGUC All-Star basketball team, looks to get into the win column this Sunday. The game, starting at 6:30 EST, will be played at CIF 3, the birthplace of the taco. Sangwoo Kim, who played all 40 minutes last game, says he is looking forward to playing in the stadium for the first time. "I just love playing in front of new fans. The sight of thousands of people with ground beef and salsa sounds too good to be true. I can think of only one thing that's better-- the scent of ??."

The high-flying Conrad Grebel All-Star team looks to turn the season around with the return of Jonathan VanEgmond in a few short weeks. After undergoing knee surgery on October 7th, he hopes to make his season debut in early November. Chris Bosh says, "It'll be great to have Jonny back. We really miss the energy he provides with dunks from the three-point line and cat-burglar steals". Teammate Jose Calderon could not be reached for comments.

The team could have really used the presence of a few more runners last game, as the fantastic five of Sand Moshi, Sangwoo Kim, Ben White, Peter Groot, and Karl Mikelsons were running with no subs. They kept pace until halftime, when the score was 24-22. In the first half, White was the go-to guy for points inside, while Kim and Groot were able to hit jumpers when the other team seemed to be getting away. The Jive Turkeys starting squawking in the second half, keeping the tired Grebelites to two points in 20 minutes from a Mikelsons fast break layup. Final score, 42-24 Jive Turkeys.

"It was an epic battle. I'm just glad we were able to use our numbers, 'cause we were definitely worried at half time," said Captain Cross of the Jive Turkeys.

TIRED PENNIES’ HARD FOUGHT LEAD SLIPS AWAY

October 30, 2009

WATERLOO, On.--In another hard fought battle, Prime Time squeaked by hometown heroes A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned for the win (57-43). The home team started off strong, with exceptional ball movement and smothering man-to-man defense. The soon-to-be-hall-of-famer, Daniel Johnson, returned after a two game absence to dish out a few dimes and bank a few shots off the backboard. The veteran opponents were clearly rattled as the first half ended and A Penny was up by seven.

The stupendous play couldn't be sustained for long though as the wily vets' endurance was too much for the five young'ns on the home team. It was clear that White, Johnson, Finke, Groot, and Mikelsons could have used a sub to rest their sprightly lungs. With a few chinks in the armour showing, "Big Fundamental" of Prime Time went to work down low against the man defense of A Penny and spun a few of his own off the backboard. Not to be outdone, the legendary Dayna Finke made some clutch shots from downtown Thunder Bay to liven things up. After the game, she explained, "It's what I do. You wouldn't know it, but under Kakabeka Falls is my practice court. Every time I take a shot I stop and remember the sound of water rushing over the rocks."

Game notes:

Jonathan VanEgmond will reportedly hit the practice court on Halloween. November 7th is the doctor's date. The next opponent, That's What She Said, has some bad SOC ratings, and has never won a game. They will probably not make playoffs, but could affect A Penny's rank in the playoff bracket.

The final game of the season will be played Sunday, November 15th at the PAC, where the Pennies face rivals The Motorboaters. The Motorboaters won by nine in their last meeting (September 27th).

-Karl Mikelsons

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Sid “The Kid” Crosby vs. Alexander “The Great” Ovechkin

Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin. These two young men are of the most famous, most popular, and most skilled players in the NHL today. The question being asked by my colleagues, the entire NHL community, and perhaps even the entire world is . . . “Who is better?”

Well let’s start with the basics. Here are two things we should agree on before this little debate begins:

1. Ovechkin is a better GOAL SCORER (yes Sidney is good too, but if you had to pick a pure goal scorer, who would you take?)

2. Sidney is a better PLAYMAKER (yes Ovie can make plays too, but see above, and replace goal scorer with playmaker)

Here are my thoughts on each player, and we’ll go on to compare them from there.

Alexander Ovechkin

Thumbs up to Ovechkin. I like him a lot. In fact I personally like him better than Sid, but I am trying to avoid bias here. This guy came to Washington, a team in shambles, and has turned around that entire franchise. Look at the atmosphere of the fans in Washington now – Electric (all wearing Ovechkin Jerseys of course). He scores amazing goals, he makes the big hit, he doesn't back down when confronted, and he loves the game for what it is. He is a true lead-by-example guy. He also turned down the team captaincy because he felt he wasn’t prepared to take on a huge responsibility like that yet. That takes guts. Also, a lot of people see him as a showboat and as unsportsmanlike, but I completely disagree. I see a guy who just loves scoring, a guy who loves the game of hockey! It's like every day is his birthday when he scores. It's hard to hate on a guy for that. I understand that he has taken it a little far sometimes . . . a certain "hot stick" celebration comes to mind. But I wouldn't think of him as unsportsmanlike. Everyone makes mistakes right? The downsides however do exist, as no one is perfect. He is a slack defensive player most of the time. Perhaps that is why he is able to score so many goals? Yes. Is he setting himself up for something tragic? I believe so. The way he plays, with that speed, with that dynamic look, and with that flare also comes the adherent risk that someone is going to clean his clock eventually. Sad but true. Remember Eric Lindros? He was one of the best players in the world in his prime, and after meeting Mr. Stevens’ shoulder . . . well eating breakfast was enough trouble for him from there on out. I hope that doesn’t happen to Ovechkin, but the possibility is certainly there. I also worry that he will have difficulty keeping up his current scoring pace. He takes a beating in every game, and one wonders how long one man’s body can keep up with it. Everyone wears down eventually; it's just how you wear down that makes the difference.

Sidney Crosby

When Crosby first came into the league, he was a golden boy. Everyone knew who he was, and what he was capable of doing. This much was known as fact. His entrance into the Penguins lineup turned around another struggling franchise, and he has taken them to new heights. But he was a whiner in the first little while of his career, and that much was apparent. I like where he has gone though. I like how he has matured, I like how his game is more solid than it once was, and I don't disagree with him being the captain of the Penguins. He is a true leader, not to mention a pretty good hockey player. He makes some of the most spectacular plays in hockey, slick passing, "ignorant sauce" *thanks to Josh Zehr for that line*, and to boot, the kid can put pucks in the net. There isn't much to dislike about this guy. Now that his game has improved, he has been killing penalties, and winning key face-offs late in the game. He is a better "all around" player than Ovechkin. Again, there are downsides to each player. Sid has proven to get in over his head sometimes, and let his emotions carry him away, hurting the team in the end. A little feud with a certain Ilya Kovalchuk is resonating in my mind right now . . . He has also had a couple of injuries that could be worrisome, but no more worrisome that how hard Ovechkin is on his body.

So where does this take us in this little debate . . . to a hockey fan’s database, the stats.

[Suffice to say, the stats back up the argument that follows, but they are long and do not format well. -Ed]

So the stats are pretty even and similar in ways. They also support my first statement: Sidney is a playmaker, and Ovechkin is a goal scorer. So these solve nothing. Congrats, we are back where we started.

So if stats can’t help us, how do we compare these two great players? Well, it is about as easy as it is to cut down a tree with a herring (that is, not very easy). How do you compare two different styles of play, a top goal scorer, and a top playmaker? Well, my first recommendation is . . . just don't. They are totally different players. It's like comparing Roberto Luongo to Kobe Bryant to, oh, I don't know . . . Super Mario. Which of the previous three do you choose to start your franchise? "Well, I suppose that depends on the sport (or product) now doesn't it?" you say? Well yes, yes it does. So, in our debate, do you want to start your franchise with a solid playmaker or a dynamic goal scorer? They are both great choices, it just depends on what you are looking for. Ovie is an exciting player, who gives off energy to everyone. Sid is more down to earth, and more mature in ways. You can't really go wrong with either. And therein lies our problem. We have yet to solve anything. We looked at stats, and they are pretty even overall. So lets try to do this with awards then shall we?

Ovechkin

2006 - Calder - Rookie of the Year

2008, 2009 - Lester B Pearson - NHL Outstanding Player

2008, 2009 - Hart Memorial - MVP

2008 - Art Ross - Most Points Amassed

2008, 2009 - Rocket Richard - Most Goals Amassed

Crosby

2007 - Art Ross - Most Points Amassed

2007 - Lester B Pearson - NHL Outstanding Player

2007 - Hart Memorial - MVP

2009 - Stanley Cup - . . . Well, you know.

So yes, Ovie won the rookie season by winning the Calder (but he was a year older). They have both won the Lester B. Pearson (Sid 1, Ovie 2 . . . Sid won it first . . . but Ovie has 2). They have both won the Hart Memorial (Sid 1, Ovie 2 . . . again, Sid won it first, but Ovie has 2). They have both won the Art Ross once, again with Sid doing it first. Ovie has 2 Rocket Richards, and Sid has none. BUT Sid has a Stanley Cup, and Ovie does not.

So depending on how you look at it, there could be a winner here. To name a few options:

1. Ovie has more awards and it therefore better

2. Sidney won most of the awards first and is therefore better

3. They are pretty even, but Sid has a Cup, thus Sidney is better

4. I don't like this argument anymore, I'm going to go study calculus . . .

So to end this argument. Let's not just compare them. They are both amazing players, each with their own strengths in the game. Depending on what kind of player you like (or which bias you have for certain countries). That will change your opinion, and that I'm sure about. Let's just be thankful we have this "rivalry" as opposed to none whatsoever. What would tennis be without Federer vs. Nadal. What would English soccer be without Man U vs. Chelsea? What would chocolate be without vanilla?

So let's put it to rest. We'll come back to this issue when their careers are over, and when we have some more awards, stats, and youtube videos to look at. Sound fair?

- Blaine Cressman

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The Politics of Climate & The Climate of Politics

Good planets are hard to find, so hopefully, the outcome of the upcoming UN Climate Conference in Copenhagen won’t send us looking frantically for a new one. Hopefully, our leaders will pay attention to scientists when they warn us that there’s already too much carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. Hopefully they will listen to us when we say that we want to grow up in a world where there is fresh air and water for everyone, and equal distribution of resources. But even with Obama in the Oval Office, we cannot expect that hope alone will empower our leaders to make bold changes—that is a task for us.

Here’s a secret of politics: the main goal is to get re-elected. This is not a cynical jab at politicians—it’s simply a reality. Even the best-intentioned leaders know that they have to be in a seat of power to accomplish their goals. For activists, this means that heartfelt stories about polar bears are not enough to change deeply entrenched environmental policies. We must demonstrate to our leaders that taking action on climate issues is the only way for them to get re-elected. This means that they need to hear from their voters.

On October 24th, International Day of Climate Action, people around the world joined together in the most widespread day of political action in human history. One of the 5200 events took place here in Waterloo, at the Canadian Clay and Glass Gallery. 130 people (including several Grebelites) braved the wind and the rain to march to MP Peter Braid’s office, and many marched on to First United Church, where we heard speeches by a Laurier professor and a local activist. It was inspiring to see the diverse group of people at the rally, and we enjoyed sharing our visions for a low-carbon future over waffles and hot chocolate. The media was also impressed by the turnout, and we headlined CTV News, The Kitchener Record, and The Waterloo Chronicle for the whole weekend! (Check out the CTV website for footage of your roommate fighting The Man.) All in all, the event was a huge success, and the organizers have great plans for the remaining weeks leading up to the UN Climate Conference in Copenhagen. This won’t be the last time we’re in the news. Ask me if you’d like to learn more about the Climate Action Project and our local campaigns!

-Laura Dyck

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Thoughts on the Intergender Forum

I was only fortunate enough to stay at the forum for the 'first half' of the discussion, but I thoroughly enjoyed it.

I found that there were a lot of good ideas that were being thrown out and a lot of really strong opinions. I felt that although there were some controversial issues and topics out there, everyone kept a good frame of mind and did their best to respect the opinions of others. Because I didn't stay the whole way through- as I'm sure many people didn't- I think we should host another session for next term. I really regret not being able to stay because apparently there were a lot more humourous discussions at the end.

Here's to hoping that FLOW and DUDES can arrange another forum.. And this time, with Kyrie in attendance.

-Laura McConachie

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Excerpts From Africa

This past May and June I went to Zambia to teach grade 8 Maths. I arrived in Lusaka at 6AM and was picked up by the MCC representatives, Kathy and Eric Fast (from Winnipeg). That day they suggested I wander around Lusaka and see what I could see. On my travels around town, some of the locals asked me these questions:

“How are you?” Which is a fine question to ask, except when it’s followed by...

“How are your children?” This one I just ignored.

“Where are you staying? Are you from within?” What does “from within” mean. I don’t want to tell them where I’m staying since I don’t want them (in particular young men) to come and take me out for the night.

“Where are you from?” Sure it doesn’t hurt to answer that-“I’m from Canada”. Well, not until they ask, “Why didn’t bring anything nice from Canada?”.

One kind lady asked in broken English, “Can you find me a job?” That was a hard question to hear. First I was very new to this town and culture and knew nothing. I responded by saying, “Sorry, I’m new. God bless you,” and walked off.

“What are you doing here?” I can answer that-“Just visiting”. But they are just too smart. They then ask...

“Visiting who?” So I say friends, but that doesn’t cut it.

“What kind...boy or girl?” I guess I could have said they’re married, but I just couldn’t think as fast as they could.

Then they ask “Where?” and I said at a guest house, but of course that’s not good enough. They ask which one and where it is. And I tell them, the one down there (pointing in any random direction) but they don’t like that, either. So eventually, I say the MCC one. They know that MCC stands for Mennonite Central Committee and so they ask me...

“You’re just visiting not working?” Hey, the first question I can somewhat agree on.

I should have brought out a picture of my fake husband and my fake kids or at least showed them my ‘wedding band’. Especially with the all the sweet talkin’ the young men gave me -“You look fine”, “You are beautiful”, or “You have good hips, you’ll make good babies”.

Fortunately that first day did not colour my awesome experience too badly. I did have great conversations with people, learned lots , experienced so many things and made close friendships. In fact, I’ve been in contact with some of my fellow teachers and my host sisters through email and Facebook.

After reading my journal about these questions some Zambians asked me, I began to wonder, “why don’t we ask questions here to find out about people? I mean there have been many times when I’m standing at the bus stop and see the same people day after day and don’t say a word. Why don’t I? Should I ask them questions?

-Kristen Ollies

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A Visit to Little City Farm

Food. Peace Society. Food Security. Local food. Local farm? Lets visit a local farm! Maybe we can pick apples... Phone calls. Emails. Talking. Bus routes. More emails. That is the story of how Peace Society came to organize a trip, co-sponsored by the Environment Committee, to an urban farm.

On a beautiful fall afternoon this October, eighteen Grebelites made their way to Little City Farm, an urban homestead where one family is making a conscience choice to live more simply and sustainably in the city.

Karen and Greg’s original dream was to start an organic farm or co’op, but with land prices so high, they decided to explore urban agriculture instead. Now they grow about 50% of the food they consume on 1/3 acre, keep chickens for eggs, recycle their grey water (dish and laundry water) in a pond system, collect rainwater, recently built a straw bale addition, take part in a car share program, started a barter system for K-W, run a vegan bed and breakfast, bakery and workshops, and do many other things to live more sustainably in the city!

We came upon the 100 year old house tucked in a street corner among rows of vegetables and herbs, a small forest to replace the normal lawn, and grey water purifying ponds. After a wonderful hour spent learning outside in the sun with their one year old daughter, Maya, their dog, and the chickens, we left with stomachs and hearts full of warm wildflour hearthbread and inspiration to change the world, one small project at a time!

-Sara Brubacher

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On Being a Gentleman

A Note from the author:

In today’s modern age, an age full of opinions on every topic imaginable; and with every viewpoint, a writer must accept the consequences of publishing material which is their opinion, and is not based on inarguable fact. That being said, writing about gentlemanly comportment and chivalry, topics so deeply entrenched in culture, society and history; is not short of suicide if not done right. Please forgive any politically incorrect oversights I make in this piece, and please post any opinions you may have on the opinion board. If you like what you read, I’d encourage you to join me at the next etiquette class.

“The final test of a gentleman is his respect for those who can be of no possible service to him.” – William Lyon Phelps, founder of the Elizabethan Club at Yale.

Let me begin by saying being a gentleman is more than just holding open doors, wearing snappy clothes and knowing which fork to use at a dinner party. Being a gentleman, as Prof. Phelps so adequately put, is a lifestyle choice. In the Victorian Era, “Gentleman” was a title reserved for men who could afford not to work. The elaborate rules they created for acceptable societal conduct are today’s understanding of what a gentleman was, but it should be remembered it was the title. Today, any man can be gentleman if he so chooses, and not by quitting their job, but by embodying the spirit of what makes a man a gentleman.

So, you must be asking yourselves “what is this spirit he speaks of?” I’ll try to explain it. Like the quote says, being a gentleman means giving your attention and respect to those who haven’t earned, or don’t deserve it. It means holding a door open for women, the elderly, or those who simply need a hand. Conversely it also means accepting an opened door from a woman or elderly person graciously. I could go on with other examples but it will suffice to say that exercising courtesy and respect are the general rule of thumb.

What about women? Ladies, please don’t think you’ve been forgotten. The Victorian Era also followed an intricately woven web of rules. But like gentlemen, you needn’t know them to be a lady. Exercise courtesy as well and everyone will be a little better for it. A note about women who feel lowered by accepting a man’s holding of a door, please know that the man wishes only to honour you. He knows you can get it yourself, but he wants to save you the trouble.

A final note: a piece of decent behaviour that seems to have been lost on today’s generation is doing things in person. Important discussions and interactions should always be conducted in person, or at least over the phone. These include personal discussions, business meetings, and especially break-ups. Ladies, if a guy EVER tries to break-up in ANY way except to your face, he is bounder and a cad. Everyone deserves a break-up in person, not over a facebook status change.

cad [kad] –noun: An ill-bred man, esp. one who behaves in a dishonorable or irresponsible way toward women.

bounder [boun-der] –noun: An obtrusive, ill-bred man.

-David Lenton

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Remembrance Day

Remembrance Day. Even the least observant among us know that it’s just around the corner, thanks to the sudden garden of red poppies springing up on the lapels of the student population. Canada and the other members of the commonwealth have been celebrating a day of Remembrance on November 11th since 1919, when King George V set it aside as a day of observance in honour of the soldiers killed during war, and we started wearing the poppy soon afterwards. But for Mennonites and other pacifists, that poppy poses a dilemma.

We wear the poppy primarily because of the poem “In Flanders Fields”. Before WWI, there were only a scattering of poppies in Flanders. The bombardments launched by both sides mixed limestone rubble into the soil, creating the growing conditions perfect for the red poppy, while simultaneously stirring up the soil and exposing the poppy seeds to sunlight. When the war ended and the bombardments ceased, the lime was absorbed and the soil left undisturbed. The poppies faded away - but not before Lieut-Col. John McCrae, a Canadian Doctor, composed the rough draft of his infamous poem.

According to the stories it was an American woman, Moina Michael, who began wearing the poppy as a symbol of remembrance after reading McCrae’s poem. Then France’s Madame Guerin learned about the custom during a 1920 visit to the country. Upon her return home, she began employing wounded vets, war widows, and orphans to help her make and sell silk poppies. Her goal was to facilitate remembrance and create jobs for those affected by the war. The first poppies were distributed in 1921 to Canada, France, the USA, Australia, New Zealand, and England.

Most people these days wear the poppy. It’s almost taboo not to – every year, it seems, some newscaster refuses to wear one and makes themselves the subject of public outcry. One Grebelite that I talked to last November outright admitted that he wears his poppy to conform - which is more-or-less why I wear my poppy, too. I’m all in favour of remembrance; I just don’t think that the poppy is a pre-requisite.

But while I’m merely ambivalent on the issue, some people point-blank disagree with the principal of wearing a poppy. Here at Grebel, where a good chunk of our population is some flavour of pacifist, a lot of people feel that Remembrance Day glorifies war by venerating veterans and, in turn, venerating the war they fought in. An editorial writer for the Mennonite Brethern Herald said,

“Remembrance Day services make me uneasy because they focus too much on those who died on ‘our side,’ and, by implication, on God’s side. How often do we recall the larger picture – the loss of hopes and dreams, loss of innocence, psychological torment, and broken bodies regardless of allegiance? In WWII Canada lost some 45,000 soldiers. Germany lost 4 million soldiers and 2 million civilians.”

A popular alternative to the poppy is that little red pin that MCC puts out, which reads: “To Remember is to Work for Peace”. I wore the pin myself last year – not because of any strong political leaning, but because I happened to have a pin on hand, and hadn’t yet acquired a poppy. I talked to some Grebelites who chose to wear the pin, and the majority view was summed up by a girl who said: “I respect those who fought in the war, and I’m grateful for their sacrifices, but I cannot condone their choice to kill, and I can’t wear a symbol that condones that choice.”

Another alternative, more popular in the UK than Canada, is the white poppy. The white poppy appeals to me, conceptually. Most veterans, however, seem to disagree. They say it’s inappropriate and illegal to piggy-back symbols like that – “The poppy, in any form other than a real poppy, is a registered symbol of the legion and can't be used without permission”, says one article.2 The creators of the white poppy feel that their poppies allow them to be respectful to the sacrifices made, while still making their point – but can it still be respectful if the very people it’s meant to respect are so offended? “It's taking a symbol of sacrifice and using it to represent a political position”, one veteran said.

Some people choose to wear both a poppy and an MCC pin, as a form of compromise. This year, I spoke to a Grebelite who wears the poppy in Grebel and the pin on campus, to provoke discussion. But on Remembrance Day, he says he’ll be wearing the poppy alone. Because Remembrance Day isn’t supposed to be about the politics. Regardless of our beliefs, the day really is supposed to be about remembering, not using the suffering of others to make a point. Maybe you agree. Maybe you don’t. But it’s something worth thinking about this year, as we remember.

-Ellen Bleaney

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Blast from the past

[In this section we will reprint an article that catches our fancy from Grebel Speaks issues of years past. -Ed.]

Peace in Action: Mennonites in World War Two

My grandmother was an Old Order Mennonite. When she was growing up, she wore plain dresses, a muslin prayer cap on her head, and rode in a horse and buggy. Many Mennonites still do today. I am a Mennonite. I wear jeans, and t-shirts, cut my hair short, and drive a red car. Many Mennonites live this way, too. So, what makes us Mennonites?

Why are we different from anyone else? In a lot of ways I’m like many of the people around me. Amidst my diverse group of friends, I can claim my own Swiss-German Mennonite and Amish ancestry. As I work and play alongside people from different churches, I learn how much we have in common as Christians. Still, there are things that make the Mennonite church different. Experiences that give Mennonites a different perspective, another way of doing things. One thing that has set the Mennonite church apart since the beginning, when the Anabaptist movement started in the 16th century, has been its stance on nonresistance. We believe in and seek peace. But, what does nonresistance mean in a country that has gone to war?

Even as World War II was still brewing in Europe, Mennonites were preparing for the worst. In March of 1939, six months before the war actually broke out, representatives from seven different groups of Mennonites, as well as two other historic peace churches, met for a conference in Chicago. This began a long discussion about their role in the war.

Although all named after the same man - Menno Simons, a 16th century Dutch Anabaptist - Mennonites in Canada are a very diverse group. This diversity was particularly clear during the time of the Second World War. Although the Mennonite leaders at the time were united in deciding against participation in combatant military service, they differed in opinions about what to do in its place. Many groups of Mennonites were prepared to make an offer to the Canadian government for alternative service during the war, but this had different meanings for different people. Some Mennonites wanted to wait and see what the government would have to say, since Mennonites had been granted exemption from military service in World War I. Most Mennonites, however, knew that they would have to have some kind of plan to offer in case complete exemption would no longer be possible. Many Mennonites were in fact very willing to begin thinking about how their young people could sere Canada in non-violent and productive ways.

There were many discussions and debates about alternative service, within the Mennonite community and between Mennonites and the government. The result was that many Mennonite men of conscription age were exempted from military service because they objected to it for “reasons of conscience”. These young men served in a variety of different ways throughout the war. The most dominant form of alterative service as done at work camps. In jobs like maintenance of national parks, road construction, and extinguishing forest fires, these conscientious objectors did what they could for their county while still staying true to their convictions. Other conscientious objectors served in the medical field. At hospitals or related institutions, any Mennonite men filled the shoes of others who were fighting overseas. Some chose to go overseas themselves, with the Canadian Army Medical Corps.

The fact cannot be ignored that some Mennonite men also chose to join the military. Each man would have had his own reasons, although prevalent in some minds may have been the desire to prove to the rest of their non-Mennonite community that they were in fact loyal Canadians. After all, as a German-speaking people in a country that was battling against Germany, Mennonites were subject to a lot of harassment and suspicion. About 4,500 Mennonites fought in World War II, while over 7,500 made the choice of alternative service.

I have written a lot about actions that Mennonites would have taken mostly as individuals. Community and connectedness, however, are also very important to Mennonites as a people. There were a number of relief organisations that were either founded or continued to do a lot of work during the Second World War. Many of these organisations cooperated under the Mennonite Central Committee, a still-existing relief organisation that was able to make arrangements such as distribution of goods overseas. Many people were eager to illustrate in this way the principles and values they held because of their faith, rather than seem to be merely avoiding the sacrifices that others were making.

I am Mennonite. This means a lot of different things to me, but in part, it means that I seek to follow the way of peace. It is easy to live one’s own life and try to blend into the crowd, but in hearing of my relatives who refused to back down from their convictions and beliefs, I gain encouragement that I, too, can work productively for peace, if only I will.

-Alissa Bender

February 2000

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If you give a grebelite a cookie...

The cookie I received from Tannis and Josh was very good. It had a specific flavour that i cannot put my finger on. Was it vanilla? or possibly almond? I noticed a slight taste of baking powder or baking soda as well, which i quite enjoyed. There was jus the right amount of chocolate chips, and the perfect texture too. Can you bake a chocolate chip cookie this delicious? I should recall what ingredients were used because of the knowledge I gained in food and nutrition. For a week our class played the role of a cookie connoisseur and we learned what ingredients do what to a cookie. Shortening, butter, margarine? White sugar, brown sugar, sweetener? Baking soda, baking powder, cream of tartar? White flour, whole wheat flour, mixture? So many ways to make a cookie, yet this one was just right. Bravo.

-Brigitte Neufeld

I got a cookie

In exchange for this Haiku

It was SO worth it!

-Ellery Penner

Soft and delicious

Angelic, palatable

A Grebel delight

-Michelle Metzger

To get me to write, Josh gave me a cookie

Made my arms raise in joy, just like a wookie

But now my sense of guilt

Has been solidly built

And I can’t play article hookey

So now my mind’s set in a certain mode

To write to this cookie a beautiful ode

Without fault or distortion

Of the epic proportions

Of taste, that through my mouth flowed

But now I guess my wit has been bested

Since my poetic ability here has been tested

And this poetic endeavour

Seems not very clever

But too late! The guilt-cookie’s digested

Guess they’ll just have to live with this.

-Ross Arnold

Tannis, Steph and Josh came around.

We took a cookie contract bound.

And here we now sit,

providing our bit.

Hoping this will not make you frown.

-Dani Hoover and Jacquie Read

It was Grebel Speak Submission Week and hearing the call for articles in the hallway from Josh, Tannis, and Steph, I couldn't resist popping my head out to watch plates of cookies run... Ahem... I mean walk past my room. So now once again, I'm sitting in front of my computer hurriedly typing out an article into an e-mail rather than a Word Document.

Anyways, where was I? Ah yes, the cookie. The thick triple chocolate chip cookie created by Josh Matthews was quite excellent, I must say. It was still warm when I got it; crunchy on the edges yet soft and tender in the middle. It wasn't too sweet, it had a good balance of chips, and had a nice homemade look to them. The cookies had a subtle nutty flavour with a hint of butter and evoked thoughts of the letter P. Don't ask...

However, I did find that this type of cookie is better when it's baked longer. The less baked cookies of the batch were not as good as the darker ones and I am not simply speaking out of bias as I do enjoy partially baked cookies from time-to-time.

I look forward to the next batch, Josh Matthews.

-Christina Shum

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Dear Conrad Grebel

Dear Conrad Grebel: I love it when people come to hang out in my room and socialize, but I have a hard time getting them to leave when I’ve got work to be done. How can I maintain both my friendships and my good grades, without driving people away or offending anyone? Stumped in the short end

Dear Stumped: I would recommend shutting your door and putting on headphones at all times that you don’t want to be disturbed. That way, even if someone knocks, you do not hear and art not tempted to open the door. Also, if there is a time of day when people seem scarce, I would recommend adapting to making that your official working time. (Eg. First thing in the morning, or a time when many of your friends are in class.) There’s also no shame in asking people to find another place to hang out—your friends and peers know that you are here to get an education, and will understand. Just be sure to go and find them when you don’t want to be working, so they know you still want social time too.

Dear Conrad Grebel: I got turned down by a girl at a dance where the partner is told they have to accept. More to the point, this is representative of my love life. Can you help me? A Grebel student who would like to remain anonymous so he doesn’t receive pity dances

Dear Anonymous: That’s frustrating! First off, I suggest you give up on that particular girl. Then, I would grab some chocolate or ice cream and indulge in self-pity for a short amount of time. When the ice cream or chocolate is gone, pick yourself up and enjoy where you are at. There are many things to learn while romantically uninvolved—maybe there is an epiphany in your future. Soon enough, you will find a girl to dance with because she wants to, not because she is told she should. Good luck.

Dear Conrad Grebel: For the past 2 weeks I've been having the same dream, and I'm starting to wonder if it means something. It starts off with me in my tree fort singing "Over the Rainbow" and wearing one of those biohazardous chemical suits. My mom is yelling at me to go walk the dog, but I'm not listening to her because I know she's actually Genghis Khan in disguise. So in the meantime I'm whittling a spear out of a tree branch for protection. Genghis is now bribing me with vanilla flavoured toothpaste, my favourite. I reply with something like, "You'll never catch me, Abraham Lincoln!" With that he rips off his mask and starts his ascent up my tree. I hurl my makeshift spear at him but it turns to cotton swabs just before hitting him. In a last ditch effort I hurl myself out of the tree and suddenly find myself in the capital of Uzbekistan. Troubled in Tashkent

Dear Troubled: I believe this dream is a metaphor for an extreme amount of pent up and repressed anger that you have for your second-cousin after she stole your highlighter in third grade. The appearance of weapons in your dream signifies the anger, while the tree-fort is your feeling of entrapment and inability to do anything about it. Genghis Khan is an unbeatable enemy, particularly because your attacks all turn to cotton in front of him. This is likely a representation of your attempts to confront your cousin, but a lack of backbone in doing so. The appearance of your mother in the dream is likely because you told her about the situation and she sided against you—a bitterness you hold to this day. However, vanilla toothpaste signifies good fortune, so I believe your cousin will receive retribution, or you will receive a new monocle as compensation for your loss.

Dear Conrad Grebel: I’ve heard that pranks art highly encouraged at your college. My roommate is particularly deserving of a good pranking, but I have no ideas. What should I do? Gagless

Dear Gagless: A classic is to have an opposite gendered friend to hide an overnight bag or a piece of undergarment in your room on a day when your roommate’s family is paying a visit. When they are being given a tour, this is a perfect time to have that opposite gendered friend drop by, dressed in pyjamas or a housecoat and ask for the item back. Be careful though: some families (and roommates) will find this funnier than others. It’s also funny to steal every pair of someone’s pants. Happy pranking!

Dear Conrad Grebel: Why is it that the stars align for some and not for others?

Why does the moon weep on nights of such beauty?

And why does my soul glow like a solar eclipse? Why, Grebel, why?

Dear profound astronomer: The stars align, depending on one’s outlook; beauty is subjective, and the moon does not see like as you do; and your soul lights your path on the darkest of nights.

Sincerely,

Conrad Grebel

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We Have a Crush on Dan Johnson

Dan Johnson, got a crush on you.

Dan Johnson, got something for you.

Dan Johnson, it's a piece of my heart.

Dan Johnson, don't tear it apart.

-Stephanie Epp and Brigitte Neufeld

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British Pop – My Therapist

A Sunday Evening: I awoke from a perfect after-school nap. My bed covers had formed into a cocoon and there was complete darkness all around me. Yet, despite my well rested state, I was still miserable.

Sitting up sideways in my bed, the small bit of light from my window cast a dull light over my desk. This illuminated my Lily Allen and La Roux posters. I got to thinking. Music could guide me in the right direction. British pop is the answer!

If I took the Lily Allen approach, I could talk shit about him to everyone that would listen. Maybe sleep around a little and get very drunk. But would I really feel that much better in the end? Judging from her music, no. Or I could take the La Roux approach. I should just go in for the kill and hopefully next time I will be bulletproof. That’s it. I had to be honest about my feelings and put it all out there.

According to Elly Jackson, lead singer of La Roux, In for the Kill is based on the time she got on a train to Paris to tell this guy that she loved him. Hopping on a train to another country is a lot more drastic than writing a text. So I did it: I told him I loved him in a text.

As I wait for a response I will take comfort in knowing that the guy ended up rejecting Elly, and she went on to write an amazing album.

-Anonymous

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A Night at the ATM

One late winter eve as I was making my way from the SLC bracing for the cold that I knew would await me out side the doors, I passed by the ATM machine. Now, this may not seem like anything spectacular but it was what jumped out in front of me that makes this story worth reading. There before me stood a mass of pink fur covered with purple polka dots.

Not caring to notice anything else about this strange creature I let out a frightened (possibly rather high pitch) scream and took off running. Across the bridge and through St. Jerome’s not hearing anything following me I assumed I must have thrown off this unearthly specimen. What seemed like an eternity later I made it into the safety of Grebel (although it was late the doors were for some reason still unlocked, lucky for me!).

One last look over my shoulders out the doors and I saw the sadest looking pink and purple face and big brown eyes on the verge of tears. I was suddenly very uncertain of how to respond but was moved by compassion for this sad little (or rather big I suppose), what I now realized to be a hoozawizzel! Very wary that this could be just a facade to trap me I slowly opened the door and called out hello. This hoozawizzel burst into a huge smile.

“Hi I’m Gordon. I’m awful sorry if I scared you and that is what made you run away so very fast but you see, well I just saw you and thought you looked real nice and would make a great friend.I just wanted to meet you and be your friend. It is pretty hard to make friends when you are a hoozawizzel.”

“But you didn’t have to chase me...hey wait why didn’t I hear you chasing me?”

“Well, it’s pretty hard to hear someone running when they are actually flying, especially when all I have to do is think wonderfully happy thoughts and away I go. No flapping my arms or anything. It’s just great!”

“You can fly!?”

“Yep, which is alot of fun but it would be so much more fun if I had friends to fly with, because you see such cool stuff up there in the skyand I don’t have anybody to look at it with.”

“Oh that is very sad....hold on were you just hiding by the ATM and no one has seen you before?”

“Well no not exactly.... I actaully live inside the machine, I’m the one that gives everybody their money when they push the buttons and hold the card for them when they put it in, see because I can shrink or grow when I need to.”

And suddenly before was a tiny little Gordon, who could fit right into the palm of my hand! I picked him up, considering how sad it must be to have no friends to share things with.

“Hey Gordon I could be your friend! You can come in and visit my room anytime, but you might want to do it when your small, because it might scare people at first when they see you really big and furry.”

“OK! And then I can take you flying. You can ride on my back and I can show you all the really cool stuff that I get to see! Oh dear I have to get back to the ATM! What if there is someone trying to get their money out and it isn’t working!”

With that, Gordon smiled huge (because he had to think happy thoughts remember) and flew away, with a promise to return again soon.

So if you ever want to stop by room 3417 at around 10:37p.m. you might just get a chance to meet our wonderful purple polka dotted friend and next time you are getting money ou tof the ATM at the SLC remember who is in there giving you that cash!

-Catherine Duncan

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Thesaurus

Formerly upon a moment, there was a small female child designated as Goldilocks. She went for a stroll in the woods. Shortly, she arrived upon a residence. She banged and, when nobody replied , she strolled straight inside.

At the bench in the kitchen, there were three dishes of porridge. Goldilocks was ravenous . She sampled the oatmeal from the foremost dish.

"This warm cereal is excessively heated !" she cried out! And so, she tested the grits from the next basin.

"This grout is overly chilly ," she declared. And so, she tried the rearmost pot of porridge.

"Ahhh, this mush is exactly suitable ," she said cheerfully and she consumed the whole of it up.

Subsequently to devouring the trio of bears' breakfasts she determined she was experiencing a small scale of exhaustion. So, she sauntered into the livelihood space where she discerned three seats. Goldilocks took a seat in the initial bench to relax her feet.

"This bench is unduly sizable!" she blurted out. So she perched on the following stool.

"This stool is immoderately substantial, as well!" she whimpered. So she inspected the hindmost and most compact pew.

"Ahhh, this pew is absolutely proper," she exhaled. Yet precisely as she installed herself into the chair to ease up, it shattered into components!

Goldilocks was tremendously worn out by this hour, so she proceeded upstairs to the bedroom. She reclined to a lower position in the introductory cot, even so it was inordinately solid. Then she lay back in the succeeding cradle, nonetheless it was unreasonably squashy. At that time she sprawled out on the final crib and it was entirely conventional. Goldilocks began drowsing.

Just as she was dosing, the trio of large hairy mammals arrived at their flat.

"Some being has been ingesting my porridge," snarled the Papa bear.

"An individual has partaken of my oatmeal," vocalized the Mama bear.

"A mortal has been gobbling my gruel and they wolfed every bit up!" weeped the Infant bear.

"Some creature has plunked themselves in my settee," yapped the Papa bear.

"An entity has been relaxing in my recliner," pronounced the Mama bear.

"A party has remained in my rocker and they've burst it all to segments," wailed the little bear.

They elected to scrutinize their surroundings to a greater extent and when they appeared upstairs to the room containing beds, Papa bear bellowed, "Some character has taken a siesta on my mattress,"

"A being has been power napping in my trundle, likewise" proclaimed the Mama bear.

"An individual has achieved a state of dormancy in my basinet and she's even now present!" shouted the newborn bear.

Exactly at that moment, Goldilocks came around and perceived the three bears. She shrieked, "ASSIST!" And she leapt up and sprinted away from the chamber. Goldilocks darted along the stairs, threw wide the portal, and hastened into the timberland. And she did not once re enter to abode of the three bears.

-Andrea Blezy

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Nazi Literature of the Canadas

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday dear Goebbels...

You came for the breakfast

And I didn't know because I don't eat breakfast

But your temporary presence

Makes me think I should eat breakfast more often

What the hell were you doing in my college

What the hell were you doing among Mennonites

What the hell were you doing on my turf?

We don't need your propaganda posters

We don't need you addressing us Anabaptists

We don't need your kind here

I thought my Great-Grandfather destroyed your ass

I thought your kind was hunted down

and tamed by Hollywood to be perfect monsters

No one told me about Pinochet until Roberto

You wouldn't know him, he's a poet

But I'm sure you'd say you know all about poets

Wouldn't you, Goebbels?

With your body of juvenelia and Hansun's Nobel Prize

Nobody reads your books except academics

And nobody wants academics to be their main audience

I've never seen a fascist before in my life

I've only seen Nazis in books and movies

And pieces of Pinochet's funeral on YouTube

Processions of fascists singing in Spanish

But I thought Roberto Bolaňo only talked about Mexico

full of Mexican poets and Mexican madmen

Until you he went to Spain and became a Spanish poet

I never really realized what he was going on about

Even when he talked about his time in prison

On charges of treason against Pinochet and Chile

Neither of us have been tortured by the State

But Bolaňo escaped before you could silence him

And now everybody reads Bolaňo, Goebbels

And nobody will ever read your tongue full of poisons

Your dead and buried at the crossroads

So get the hell out of my community

-Dylan Thomas

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Old Man

It’s a nice day in the park;

The sun is shining,

The grass is damp from rain,

And there sits the old man on the bench,

His big white eyebrows

Denying the lack of hair on his head.

A cane rests beside him,

Worn from use…

Had it since the accident

The one that changed his life,

And took away his sweetheart

Now he sits there, alone.

Every day he comes

Here where they used to sit

To share a picnic on the green grass.

He smiles,

Remembering the colour of her favourite dress:

Yellow, like the sun

His own personal sun,

Shinning every day just for him.

A sigh escapes his lips.

He smoothes his hand along the bench;

A familiar motion

That reminds him where he is,

What day it is

It’s been two years,

Lonely ones.

Everyday he comes

With his tweed pants and brown hat,

To sit on the bench

And watch the people play in the park.

Sometimes he laughs;

A dog jumps high in the air

Reaching for an elusive Frizbee.

Other times he watches;

A girl runs to her mama in tears

She’s lost her ball

He mourns with her.

Everyday the bench gets more worn,

The old man gets a little older,

A little sadder.

He cannot forget her soft face,

Her bright eyes,

Her yellow dress.

Walking home in the evening you can see

The pieces of his broken heart

Falling to the ground.

One day he does not arrive

The bench sits cold.

Again the next day there is no sign of him.

Seeing the empty place

A little girl runs over,

Places her ball on the seat

And asks the bench to keep it safe.

It is a present she says,

For the old man,

To make him smile.

She hopes he will like it.

Turning, she leaves the yellow orb there

And runs back to her mother.

She does not know

The old man will not be coming back.

-Alina Rehkopf